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A Theory on Breaking Dawn

ETA: Warning: A little spoilery, but not quite worth cut-tagging. Scroll fast.

I rather suspect that the reason Breaking Dawn was... the way it was... is because it's really about nothing more than Meyers coming to terms with her unexpected and sudden fame and riches.

Hear me out.

Bella (Meyer) wants to be a vampire (writer). "Oh, no!" moan the other vampires (writers). "That's really hard. It is NOT all that it is cracked up to be! You will be feral (poor) for a year (years) and even then, only with the greatest willpower (luck and perseverance) will you be able to avoid chomping on people (starving in the gutter)." And other stuff about vampirism (having a compulsion to write).

But darn it all, Bella (Meyer) wants to be a vampire (writer) anyway. So, she gets bitten (sends her book out). And lo and behold, while it is painful (it is scary), it lasts only a short while, and suddenly, she's perfect! She has no period of crazy "I-eat-your-face!"-ness that everyone else does! (She's an instant best-seller!) And then the gifts continue: She has awesome mind powers! (Fame! Riches!)

The only problem is that the Volturi (fill in the blank: critics? the internet? the mean fans?) don't like her--and the head of the Volturi (Stephen King) is SO TOTALLY MEAN TO HER (doesn't like her writing, and publicly), and everyone wants to kill her crazy sparkly hybrid unnatural baby (the whole series).

And then pedophile werewolves fall in love with her baby.



(Oh, wait: TwiMoms?)

Okay, anyway, there are some goodish vampires (people on the internet, the ones who don't leak copies of Midnight Sun, anyway) who come in and defend Bella and the sparkly baby (Meyer and the books). They get the mean Volturi to listen to them! And explain how awesome sparkle-babies are! And then the Volturi just go away, totally defeated by logic and Bella's mind-powers. (This hasn't, to my knowledge, happened yet.)


And of course, I actually gobbled the series like the crack that they are, and have defended it, and even liked it. But I did not find any satisfaction in the arms of Breaking Dawn--and I think the above is part of why.


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 11th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC)
Heeeee. I like your theory!
Dec. 11th, 2009 11:07 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahahaha! *loves*

I don't know what it is with Twilight. I gobbled it down while thinking it was wrong at the same time too. I blame the wolvies.
Dec. 12th, 2009 12:34 am (UTC)
Having read it, what do you think about the idea that Twilight depicts abusive relationships in a fashion that implicitly legitimizes them?
Dec. 12th, 2009 02:52 am (UTC)
I think that is a valid reading of the text, and yet is a nearly invalid reading of the emotional intelligence of most of the people who read the text.

Much like people realized that the planes flying into the WTC were real and did not remain emotionally disengaged due to some sort of Hollywood special effects anesthetization, girls seem to get that Edward's behavior in a regular dude would be creepy.

It is a) much less bad than Wuthering Heights, and girls have gotten past that book for years, and b) a very useful tool for discussing abuse.
Dec. 12th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
That was very well put. Have you ever considered writing for a living?
Dec. 12th, 2009 03:05 pm (UTC)
It has crossed my mind, but only if I can use a quill pen and heave my bosoms.
Dec. 12th, 2009 03:57 pm (UTC)
Far be it from me to interfere with a woman's right to heave her bosoms.
Dec. 12th, 2009 12:57 am (UTC)
whoa...that...seriously happens? this made me chortle.
Dec. 12th, 2009 12:58 am (UTC)
I think that is such a good theory, and explains sooo much.
Dec. 12th, 2009 01:31 am (UTC)
I have avoided that one . . . even the title is a turn off, as I keep seeing it as Breaking Wind.
Dec. 12th, 2009 02:53 am (UTC)
I WISH I could think of it as Breaking Wind. The actual title? My mind goes to horrible Buffy fanfic in which Spike does unspeakable things to the little sister.
Dec. 12th, 2009 02:56 am (UTC)
Rw ew ew ew EWWWWWW
Dec. 12th, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)

Sometimes a burden shared is a burden doubled.
Dec. 12th, 2009 03:23 am (UTC)
Dec. 12th, 2009 03:13 pm (UTC)
Dec. 12th, 2009 04:00 pm (UTC)
Stephen King made fun of Stephanie Meyer.

*Nelson Muntz Laugh*

Dec. 12th, 2009 05:06 pm (UTC)
Brilliant theory. I think you're on to something there.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )

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